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“I don´t want to have anything to do with her” 04/10/2010

Posted by Sir Ralph in How it went on.
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Those are the words of Jeannett she had in store for her sister during a supervision session. We have agreed that Jeannett should take part if this would be of any help for us as foster children. We were talking about the consequences of the parting from Susan a month ago.

Jeannett must have suffered terribly, She didn´t mention, but she must have been afraid that our whole family would break apart. This would have destroyed the setting which she classed as stable enough for the first time in her life and gave her enough security to survive in a world where she couldn´t trust any adult except us as her foster parents. She was trying to save what she thought would have supported her in her future development. Her sister in this situation was a crucial threat to her.

Jeannett and Ruth these days are not able to visit Susan at the emergency unit these days. The hurt would be too much. The fact that I was losing more and more of Susan´s trust didn´t make things easier. It would be best for all of us to keep distance. so we were getting used to the fact that Susan should be accommodated in a therapeutical housing group which was not necessarily in reach of a day´s trip.

“Why has my sister changed so much?” 16/08/2010

Posted by Sir Ralph in How it went on.
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How amazing it is that people change fast when changing the environment they live in. This has obviously happened to Susan, and Jeannett is appalled.

It was the day when Jeannett had decided she wanted to come and visit Susan with me in the emergency group. Susann hugged her sister for hello. As the day was fine, we proposed to have ice cream at a nearby ice cream parlour. Susan refused, however. She rather wanted to show Jeannett her new place where she had been living now for three weeks. Jeannett took a good look around the room, judging everything neatly.

“You have started shaving your legs?” she asked in an intriguing manner.

“Yes, indeed! I also make up my face.” Susan gave back in the same way. She seemed nervous and restless. She used dirty language and chewing bubble gum all the time – which was completely against her behaviour when she stayed with us. Finally she disappeared without saying good bye, a big distress for Jeannett.

Susan now seems to be regressing into behavioural patterns which she has acquired before she came to stay with us, and the cause seems to be that she is under the influence of the other youngsters in the housing group. We think it would be best for her to get out of there and start a therapy. But this might take a long time.

For the first time, my wife Ruth and I feel that we have lost influence on what is happening to Susan, and we know there is no way back.

The Search goes On 21/12/2009

Posted by Sir Ralph in How it went on.
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Searching is one of my main activities these days. Today I am searching the virtual world of the Internet for a pulmonologist. Ruth has fallen ill with an asthmatic cough. The excitement during the last days finally shows also in her physical health. All doctors we are calling, however, have a waiting list of three months or more. How can it be that in a civilised country like ours, you have to wait for an appointment with a medical speciaist for months?

Finally we succeeded. The diagnosis is evident. Asthma. Ruth now has to stay under constant surveillance. All exciting situations are problematic for her health.

Second search. We decided to finally tackle the problem from the very basics. Janet is refusing to begin with a therapy. She needs our help and support when being confronted with a therapist; no chance for a male therapist. So I am trying to find a family therapist.

An enquiry at the health insurance turned out that systemic family therapies wouldn´t be paid for for what reason whatever. No chance to get costs reimbursed by the youth welfare office.

So I looked for welfare organisations who offer this sort of coaching for free. After a while I found out that again, there are responsibilities according to areas of service. Finally, I found a social welfare organsiation which was willing to make an appointment.

Unfortunately, we had to discover that this sort of assistance was not sufficient. Ruth and Janet were calling it a “tea-time small talk”. Both ladies really did their very best, but we had to notice that they hardly had an insight into our problems.

Many specialists had already told us that our situation was extremely difficult and complicated. Still, what´s that good for if we don´t get any assistance?

Besides, there are lots of foster families fighting just the same as we do to obtain the best results for the kids for whom they are responsible. We know some of them. It is only that far to few people know what ist means to bear responsibility for children who had to endure such a lot during their shot lives.

I still remember the quote of a well-known psychiatrist during a coaching for foster parents:

Foster parents are obliged to stand for the interests of their traumatised foster children. Who else will do that if not them? They have to show their foster children full solidarity by unconditionally taking their part.

When will authorities, therapists and clinics finally accept this fact and begin helping foster parents and their traumatised foster children, regardless of specialist discussions and responsibilities?

Not in charge of mental disasters 13/12/2009

Posted by Sir Ralph in how it came about.
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If you are in need for help in case of mental distress, don´t count on assistance of medicl institutions if you live in Germany.

This is a letter I wrote to the head psychiatrist of a mental clinic for juveniles in the atempt to organise help for our foster daughter Susan and the result that came from it.

Dear Mr XXXXXXXx,

We are turning to you because we are in urgent need of help for our 12-year old foster daughter who has been living in our family for more than five years together with her older sister.

For one year, the symptoms of a post-traumatic stress disease caused by a crime in her family. She is transferring her traumatic experience inflicted by her biological mother to my wife, is over-reacting aggressively to her, is restaging in our family the situations she had experienced and is putting herself into isolation in our family because of her uncontrolled behaviour. Beginning puberty is causing aggressive outbreaks. Dyscalculia has been diagnosed, and is leading to problems at school.

In cooperation with the local youth welfare office in charge, we see the necessity of helping Susan in a fast and competent way. For us, the precondition for a diagnosis and therapy is being treated and cared for by a multiprofessional team specialised on traumatology, as well as the inclusion of the foster parents and psychological parents into decision-making and therapeutical processes. We class your institution according to the description of your therapeutical methods and treatment plans in your Internet presence as most suitable and would like to discuss the futher steps with you in a personal contact.

The present crisis in the development of our foster daughter is calling for immediate action. On the other hand, we refrain from putting Susan into an institution which does not ensure our taking part in the therapeutical process and the use of appropriate therapeutical methods.

We would like to urge you to assist us in this situation of distress which we are not able to bear much longer. We are available by e-mail or the above-mentioned mobile number at any time. I would try to contact you during the next days, at any time which will be convenient for you.

Yours sincerely

P.S.:

The reply reached us in form of a call by the secretary of the head psychiatrist who let us know that Susan could not be admitted because we weren´t living inside the clinic´s service area.

P.P.S.:

This is horrifying. There is no way to choose the best treatment for our foster daughter. You have to take what you get, no matter if it is first or second best or not suitable at all. In our country, for those who have to suffer the most terrible fate there is the least help. Fates and experience are administered, there is somebody in charge for every problem, everything is socially balanced. Who does really care for the psychic state of these traumatised people? Why is it left to circumstance which treatment they are entitled to and if the clinic in charge for the service area really fits the needs of the individual person? Why is the traumatised kid not entitled to the latest, best, most efficient methods of treatment? Why are there so few trauma therapists who are fully booked for years? Why are some therapists still allowed to class EMDR and other trauma therapies as ineffective? And why do youth welfare offices still trust in those who are discrediting trauma therapies?

The most important of all questions is why those who are in need of a special therapy but are not able to meet the costs to get the best of all therapies are denied financial support. Why may biolgical parents in custody of the kids they have mistreated so often prevent such a therapy by refusing ther consent, and thereby provoke a legal conflict in court the outcome of which is more than uncertain?

This is the end of my efforts. So much for the search for a suitable mental institution for Susan.

The Turning Point 15/11/2009

Posted by Sir Ralph in Introduction.
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Sunday. Like most sundays with a nice breakfast at the kitchen table with Susan and Janet. The plan for next week had been done. We hoped for the weekend to be finished without stress and hecticness, after yesterday was calm. All the same, all was prepared. Susan´s clothes were mostly packed into boxes in order to prevent her to spread them out on the floor of her room or cut or tear them. It will have to happen next week. Only I didn´t know what really was going to happen. All my efforts had failed. There was literally no more chance to help her. I had called two mental institutions for children which are able to treat traumatised children. They couldn´t accept her firstly because of lack of capacity and second because we live outside the area for which they are responsible. The responsible institution only offers general therapeutic treatment; not a word about special trauma therapy. This, however, was out of question.

Another possibility would be to accommodate Susan in a housing group offering therapies and could assist Susan in becoming more confident and coping with her multiple traumas. Years of depth psychology treatment had not brought about any visible results. Susann is twelve and at the beginning of puberty. Still no chance. All local housing groups are lacking capacities. Furthermore, they don´t take me serious as a foster father; some institutions insist on an application by the youth welfare office in charge.

Then it all happened at once. We asked Susan to clear the table. “No, I won´t. Why me?” Another attempt to convince her. Then it was all happening. Susan was shouting and rampaging. “You are so mean, so nasty.” Then she fell silent, sitting at the table without listening. My wife Ruth and Janet, Susan´s sister, were trembling and weeping. My heart was beating. I knew all of Susan´s problems, her multiple personality, and I knew that half an hour later she would be the dearest, most affectionate girl. The time between her aggressive outbreaks, however, was decreasing constantly and was ruining our family. All explanations of Susan´s behaviour wouldn´t do any more. We felt left alone amongst all this chaos. Something had to happen.

After Susan had disappeared in her room, shouting and crying, slamming the door like mad, I took the chance to gather Ruth and Janet around the kitchen table. Janet was all in tears. “If she won´t go, I´ll go.”, she was wispering.

We knew that we had to take Janet´s intention very serious. Janet had concluded to take her life into her own hands and to cooperate with us. Since I had managed to convince the headmaster of one of the last comprehensive schools in the region with a very good reputation to accept her into the beginners´class, she showed commitment and changed to be most sensible and grown-up, maybe even a bit too much. Traumatised children tend to take their lives and fate into their own hands, and seem very much like an adult. This goes especially for children like Janet, who had to care for their siblings for years, when their parents were unable to care for them and neglected them.

Something had to happen now. We decided to part from Susan to make our own situation endurable. We consented to take Susan to the emergency ward of the local children´s home. We needed some relief to be able to cope and go on. So I called the children´s emergency hotline. This is a switchboard of the fire department who pass on the caller to the local authority emergency service. We talked to the official on duty, and he took up contact to the emergency unit of the children´s home. The person in charge called us back and we notitied her that we would arrive with Susan during the next two hours.

It was all up to us, now. Susan had calmed down, as expected. We invited her to join us at the kitchen table. I started to explain the situation very calmly.

“Susan, you know what has happened today, and that this cannot go on as it is. Janet is suffering from the situation, and so do Ruth and I, and you do, as well. What we need, first of all, is some distance from each other. So we have concluded that it is best for all of us to take you to the emergency unit of the children´s home.

She nodded her head in silence.

“We will now put together the things you need and set off after that.”

Nodding, the head bowed. Ruth and Janet exchanged expecting, curius glances. Nothing happened.

“So let´s begin.”

Ruth and Janet gathered together the packed clothes. Boxes were filled. Susan got together the things that are important to her, while I collected those things which are necessary like the passport, the health insurance card and her spray against asthma.

Then, Susan entered my office in the basement. “Can you print out some of the photos of our holidays, Dad? I would like to take them with me so much.”

I was fighting my tears while the printer was working. There was no way back. Still, was this the right decision? Had we tried hard enough? Why did we only get refusal instead of support from the authorities? On the other hand, we had to protect Janet. It was all so very sad.

Finally, we had managed. We loaded everything into the car and drove off. Janet had filled a pencilcase with pens and given it to Susan, together with some things for her to remember. The situation unwinded during the ride, just as if a heavy burden had been taken from all of us.

The lady in charge was very nice and understanding. Ruth, Janet and I explained the situation and Susan´s problems first.Then, Susan joined us after having inspected her new room. She now had to sign an application for being accepted in the institution. She did so without batting an eye. A short, cordial farewell, and we were off. The three of us.

The evening passed in haunting quietness. Nobody talked about the day. That day had changed it all. Legally spoken, we had done now what we always had tried to prevent. We had given Susan into the custody of the youth welfare office. We would notice only later, what that meant. We had to give Susan into the custody of professionals, hoping that she would get the assistance she needed. So from now on, we would only have only few influence on how decisions would be made in regard to Susan. We would be referred to that fact many times in future.

About this story 15/11/2009

Posted by Sir Ralph in Introduction.
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This is a story about the fate some people have to cope with from their early days of childhood on and how they adjust to it. It is a story about how the case of those who have afflicted unmeasurable suffering to them is considered justified and right and those who try to stand for their rights have to fight and finally might fail. It is an example for red tape in Germany. The actors are biological parents who have failed in the education of their children, foster children who have been deeply traumatised by their biological parents, their foster parents who are responsible for accompanying these traumatised children at least until their coming of age, and the youth welfare office staff whose decisions influence the well-being of the foster children in a significant way.

The characters in this story are purely fictional. Resemblances to existing persons are purely incidental, but show at the same time that the situations described in this story are anything but far from reality, no matter how unbelievable and partly curious the might sound.

The German version contains a number of letters to authorities and other institutions as well as analyses which are also purely fictional. In the English version, their contents will be summarised. They serve as explanations of the problem, but do not relate to existing persons. Still, they describe prominently the problems which have to be dealt with.

This story has a focus: The Turning Point. From there on, the story develops onwards and backwards respectively.